my cup is half full, half full of rum.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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