It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
