I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
