I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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