my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My feet surprised me
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