so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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