i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I deserve this hangover.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize