I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
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