my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
