Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
