I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
