TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize