if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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