I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
