Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We left an ass print on the piano.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize