I accidentally had phone sex last night
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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