Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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