my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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