his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
