I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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