if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Randomize
