So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Randomize
