Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
