It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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