did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
