so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
