I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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