She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
