im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
it hurts more in the daytime
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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