Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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