we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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