we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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