In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
