I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
