My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
