Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
