Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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