just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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