yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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