So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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