The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
