Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
