Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
