I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize