Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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