Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
