apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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