1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
