i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
