My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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