Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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