I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We are all done wearing pants today
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
