You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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