He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize