I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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