yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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