Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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