Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
