All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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