she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
