No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am available for nakedness
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