I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
