who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
