Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
